The Duke of Shomolu@48

Loud Whispers

My people that is how like joke o I have clocked 48. Like play like play I will soon hit 50 and I have not yet become a senator talk less of being recalled. Have I failed in life? This question keeps bugging me, depressing me and making me ask questions about my purpose in life. At my age, some of my mates have already been impeached as governors, others have even formed separatist movements, be like say I even senior this Nnamdi Kanu guy, me I am here parading about with a superfluous title given to me by my maiguard who during a scuffle over unpaid salaries mentioned that ‘oga you just dey do like you be Duke’ and the Oba of Shomolu who was just passing by on his bike stopped and immediately conferred the title on me.

I am still awaiting its ratification from the only Asiwaju of Lagos although I am allowed to parade myself as such. As I read our history books, I see some people had emerged as presidents and military heads of state at innocent ages like 36. Kai, others have even gone as far as becoming the richest men in Africa and parading about. Well it is not too late to make my mark in this country that I believe so much in. My generation has given so much to this country and has suffered much more than the rest. Na we dem born during civil war, so most of us did not drink breast milk and you can see the effect on some of us the way we are going about, cross carpeting, joining and changing political parties the way babies with dysentery change diapers, collapsing huge telecommunications firms, forming rogue news websites and slandering all kinds of eminent NIGERIANS WITH FAKE NEWS. Well it is not too late to redeem ourselves. Personally for me, I have decided to take up the plight of the single female, light in complexion, full-bodied members of our generation as a personal mission.

I have decided to work very close to them, counselling, encouraging them as they begin to lose hope in ever getting married. You see life is much more than marriage, you can still find fulfillment in sharing, being generous and in understanding that polygamy is not such a bad thing after all. Well, to celebrate my birthday, my colleagues and friends all came together and bought me just one bottle of wine claiming recession and another even went as far as giving me over fifty bottles of coca cola – that is my favourite drink with all my titles emblazoned on the label. All my titles o from Duke of Shomolu to Obong Ikpaisong of Anyiam Nsit, Udua Mkpafi and my less known title conferred on me by Prince Charles of UK when the Queen was on leave – Earl of Mushin in recognition of my activities during the last riots there when I saved a light-complexioned lady from the mob. Happy birthday to me.

Osinbanjo: Won’t You Give Me National Honours?
As I celebrate my birthday with glam and pizzazz, I am just looking at this acting President o. How can he miss such an opportunity at finally achieving national unity and muting these cries for separation? He should have used the occasion of my birthday to confer on me a national honour. I do not understand the kinds of leaders that we have and the type of advisers they surround themselves with. Look at that baba Sagay, screaming daily on only God knows what when he should have concentrated on writing a memo to the Acting President who I must confess I really admire if for nothing else but for his well-cut traditional attire – pushing for my awards. Throughout the day, I kept looking at my phone expecting a call from the presidency. A personal call from the acting president would not have been too much after all my contributions to the development of this country in the last 48 years. You see the way they treat patriots.

I was totally ignored not only by the presidency, even my state governor too could not even deem it fit to call or send me a bottle of wine. I hear they say he is confused as to where I really belong: Shomolu or Akwa Ibom. How that one disturb am I know know o. Well, as the day wore on, I gradually came to the painful realisation that Osinbanjo would not call and my hope for a national honour conferred on me was dying with my phone battery, I began to miss President Buhari. As tears came down my handsome face surrounded by my teeming Shomolu adherents I prayed a silent prayer for my President. If he was in town hale and hearty, he would have called me. He would have removed this shame from my face. He would have given me my title. But then life happens and we must continue trudging along. But Osi baba you know try sha. Even if na flash, you for still flash me na. I leave everything to God and will not because of this snub migrate to Israel like some people I know. I will continue my good works for Nigeria and would not even change party. I rest my case, next year is another opportunity. My dear acting president, in case you are still acting at that time, it is 4th of July and buy enough credit on your phone o, so you will not come and say you don’t not have credit o.

Ikorodu : What is Happening There?
This town used to be calm. The only problem there was the bad roads, but if you took courage and went there, you would really have fun. The people were kind and hard-working. I used to have a friend who worked at one of the factories there and a visit to his office used to see us take on the many amala joints that littered the place. Ikorodu is a town of history and when my mum worked in Epe we used to pass through Ikorodu on our way to visit her. Today, Ikorodu has been turned into a ritual enclave by a blood-thirsty cult. Daily we are assailed with all sorts of stories of people losing their lives needlessly. Initially, it was stories of kidnap and militant incursions, today it is Badoo. The police and indeed the military should move in and return sanity to that enterprising town. The people should not be allowed to take matters into their hands as has been reported because of the recurrent loss of innocent lives. We need our Ikorodu back o, Vivian lives there. A very beautiful girl.

Abike Dabiri: I Am a Nigerian
I have not laughed so much in a long time. This my aunty really loves to put her foot in her mouth. Remember the travel warning she personally issued against travelling to the United States and the wahala it caused. Today, she has gone ahead to congratulate a British citizen for representing us well by winning election into the British Parliament. I have just read in the media as I was looking for who next to yab that the lady in question has reminded aunty that she is British and not Nigerian. You see, don’t let me be too hard on aunty on one ground sha. That lady whether she is British or from Buckingham Palace should still have remembered that she has Nigerian heritage and should have recognised it. After all, could she have been more British than Obama, American who throughout his presidency never lost touch with his Kenyan heritage and celebrated it? Yeye. But that said, I think our aunty is taking this special assistant thing too seriously abeg. Can somebody please make her the Foreign Affairs Minister or whatever they call them these days, make we rest? Na wa.

…the Case of the Leaked Video
There is a video of a big political person making the rounds. From what we have been told, the video was taken after a liaison with two women and the big masquerade was seen in the video putting on his clothes after the action. Well, me I support daddy in his defence that it is truly nobody’s business if he decided to conduct private business with one, two or even 50 people. It is not an official state matter and it only concerns his wife and children. We that are at risk to these kinds of videos must come together to support ourselves abeg. Let me give advice to old men who enjoy these kinds of activities with young social media savvy girls to avoid such embarrassment. Immediately, you enter the room, ask for all phones to be switched off. Kindly inspect the phones to make sure they are truly switched off or better still collect the phones, you know these children can be mischievous. Where you have failed for whatever reason to collect the phones, make sure you wear a mask just in case, use only white underwear so that Nigerians do not think you are a dirty person and as the phone is pointed at you, insist that they film themselves too. A shot showing only you putting on your clothes is a clear case of blackmail, insist that all three of you be snapped so that the movie when released will not have only one-main actor. Finally, and the best advice I can ever give is never to succumb to blackmail, everybody does these things so have confidence that you only got stupid to be caught but we are plenty in this matter. But the girl that sent out that video no try sha.

Adieu Maitama Sule
You picked a wrong time to leave us. That is all I will say. Timing was so so wrong daddy. Sleep well in Allah’s bosom.